In Love, We All Just Want Someone To Know Us

At the end of a relationship. When we WIN big. The second our boss tells us that we got a promotion. On our death beds. In a moment of pain. In a burst of laughter with strangers. A moment of insecurity when we stand on stage and no one claps…We all reach for the person we love. We reach for them to hug us, to kiss us, to tell us we are enough, and to wipe away our tears.

In the end, we all just want to love someone that REALLY knows who we are.

Love is acceptance in its purest form.

In a long-term relationship, love can be taxing.

Years down the road, the human of our dreams can become difficult to love. As we learn more parts to our partner, we also see flaws. These flaws can be both beautiful and also frustrating. Let’s be honest, we can all be a bit rough around the edges at times. After the first year ends and the glimmer of fantasy begins to fade into a more lasting form of love, lust is replaced by intimacy (or we bail while we are in the early phase). Love isn’t sexy after several years like it may have been in the beginning. Love goes from glitter to becoming more like butter, a joyful yet delicate addition to our recipe.

The truth is, love will not be perfectly balanced at all times.

Despite the way love is depicted in movies, the goal in love is to move through the imbalances and learn from one another. Some of us may become intolerant of the discomfort or tension in love’s growing pains.
We must remember that love is a spectrum of experiences.

We don’t ever have to stay, but when we do stay, we open up our world to explore a different beautiful possibility. We open up our whole experience for someone to get closer to understanding us in a way that no one else is given permission.

We all stay because we want to be celebrated and honored and cherished and appreciated. That being said, we mostly stay because we want to be with the person that knows us best. I believe this to be true and believe we will also quickly walk away from partners that seem to question who we are. Don’t believe me? Look at the research on contempt— when a partner feel disrespected or has their character questioned, there is a higher likelihood of divorce among married couples.

We remain with our partners because safety and security may not look sexy, but it matters. Our partner may be the one person that we can dive deep into. We bare our hearts to get one step closer to knowing someone as deeply as we know ourselves because that is beautiful and vulnerable and warm.

Think about it

When we have sex with our partner, we are giving them a VIP pass to our body, the most intimate part of our identity that seldom people have the permission to know.

When we cry in front of our partner, we are showing them a sense of weakness beyond our natural comfort level. A flaw that we would have otherwise hidden were we still concerned about Darwin’s Theory of survival.

When we are sick in front of our partner, we are illustrating the truths about our mortality and the risky business of living.

And on the flip side, when we find a partner that celebrates us, we have no fear of acting because we have someone that celebrates us and allows us to move just a step closer to self-actualization.

To say that dating is easy would be a complete lie.
To say that marriage can be flawlessly maintained would be unjust.
To say that long-term commitment is always a joy would be a joke.

Relationships are NOT small table stakes.

In love, the newness will always seem simple, but the real beautiful stage of love I believe exists when the stakes are high, and everything is on the table when the person you love begins to know you to the core of your existence.

We want to love someone at their deepest level of vulnerability.
Because ultimately we all want someone that understands us and we want to understand them too.